Anger.

I can think of one overwhelmingly low moment in my last 6 months.  Excuse the ugliness ahead of time...

 Ryan was down 35 lbs this particular night.  All of his ribs peeked from under taught skin, his hip bones protruded out,  and I could see his shoulder blades cutting through his flesh.  He just came home from his 3rd surgery and had been suffering for almost 4 months.

It was about 1:00 am when Ryan woke up to significant pain and some belly issues.  He was embarrassed, sick, weak, tired, tormented by pain, and totally depleted in every way.  We rushed to the bathroom to get him taken care of but his bowel movement was unspeakably painful.  He was sobbing and I was crying, and I just held his sweaty, tired head against my chest.  

We went back to our bedroom but the urge to go to the bathroom struck him again.  So we rushed back to the bathroom and when stool finally made it's way down his torn, ill intestines he said it was like sharred glass ripping through him.  FOUR time total we made this agonizing journey from bedroom to bathroom that night but it felt like running a marathon every time.

I would support Ryan's body weight as we hobbled to the bathroom until he would collapse on the toilet.  And finally when it was all over, he would nearly pass out in the bathtub of warm water-partially from relief, partially from pain and exhaustion.

As I looked down at my atrophied, emaciated, broken hearted husband...I felt a surge of rage in my chest swell up unlike anything I had ever known.  It was powerful and took my breath away. 

I was horrifically, unrelentingly angry at God for not intervening.

Furious at satan for targeting us.

Blinder with rage at the health care system for failing us.

Angry at my own weakness.

I raged at the idiots in the world who claim to be "sick"...THIS was really sick.

I was angry that people didn't understand.

Infuraited that our doctor slept soundly while we were up, desperate to make it through the night.

I was disappointed at my sin, at my emotion, at my uncontrolled thoughts.

I have never been so white hot angry in all my life.  Not an ounce of it was aimed at Ryan, I was angry FOR him.

Thank the Lord this kind of emotion doesn't scare him away.  I was raging, heart sick, and depleted in every sense.  I can't say that I felt some magical comfort that night, actually I have never felt more alone.  We both finally gave way to exhaustion with nothing else to give.

But I did wake up the next morning with a new gratefulness for God's thick skin, that He would willing listen to my raging heart, and still take me back--covered in sin from head to toe.

One peaceful spot in China that reminds me that God is good-even when I doubt.

With JOY,
Ryan & Carly